


I found what's best for me, and now I see no tragedy

by allmadeofstardust



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Cad is having a bad time, Caretaking, Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Group Therapy, Hurt/Comfort, Kidnapping, Light Angst, Nightmares, Rescue, The Nein ain't having that shit, This is basically just one big group hug, Today is care-for-your-firbolg day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:22:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27675326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allmadeofstardust/pseuds/allmadeofstardust
Summary: When Caduceus has a bad run-in with some slavers, the Nein rescue him, but he's left feeling shaken.  No one can have that.
Relationships: Caduceus Clay & The Mighty Nein
Comments: 3
Kudos: 113
Collections: Caduceus Clay Whump Collection





	I found what's best for me, and now I see no tragedy

**Author's Note:**

> Thalia-amongst-the-thorns on Tumblr requested a Cad fic a bit ago. I've also been going through the backlogs of episodes and I started with Cad's first ep, and honestly I'm falling in love with him even more so now, so I wanted to do something for him. On par with that idea was this prevailing insistence on Cad being the punching bag for what seems like every fight in the show (seriously Matt, leave our precious cow man alone).
> 
> Anyway, I wanted to reflect on the idea that Caduceus seems like the type of person who wouldn't stop to think about himself when other are in need. So what happens when he thinks he fails them? What does that say about him?

Caduceus woke up feeling dizzy and severely disoriented. He blinked rapidly, trying to clear the fog around his mind - what had happened last? He had been keeping watch over the Nein, that much he remembered. Caleb had been too exhausted to put up the dome, something about the people they'd been fighting, draining him...damnit, why was it so hard to remember? He shifted slightly and the movement sent a sharp pain shooting through his temple. He still couldn't quite focus.

Something - some _ body _ \- had hit his head.  _ Hard. _

He went to move his hands instinctively towards his head, intending to heal whatever ailment was affecting him, but found that they were stuck. He felt with his long fingers for the source of the impairment and found chains, smooth and tightly bound, wrapped around his wrists.

He panicked.

He could feel some sort of magical energy emanating from them, and he knew what he was dealing with. His heart leapt into his throat and he went to cry for help, only to be met with another obstacle - a gag, crusty and disgusting, buried in his mouth. He recoiled, only for the movement to disorient him further, and he shut his eyes tightly as he tried to force himself back into tranquility, into calm, but it was very difficult to keep any sense of the word when he was bound and helpless, suffering from what was obviously a concussion and could easily be worse.

_ The Nein are coming _ . He pressed the thought down into his teeming mind.  _ The Nein will be here, and you will be alright. _

This wasn't supposed to be happening. He was supposed to be the one rescuing the others, fighting for them, saving them. Not the other way around. This was -

"He's awake."

A voice cut through the confusion and fog surrounding Caduceus, and he managed to open his eyes slightly. The world was still spinning, but he managed to spot a figure looming over him (Caduceus himself was lying awkwardly on his side, an undignified position he disliked instantly). They had the unmistakable appearance of a sellsword, all heavy armor and rugged bad looks. They were scowling down at Caduceus, and upon seeing him open his eyes, they smiled, which looked horrible.

"You're a lot easier to nab than I thought, firbolg."

Caduceus couldn't and therefore didn't respond. He doubted he'd be able to manage a coherent sentence anyway, the way his head hurt so much.

The sellsword continued talking, which was unfortunate, as their grating voice was not helping Caduceus' headache.

"You're going to be worth a lot of money." They nudged Caduceus with their toe, a bit more forcefully than necessary, and he glared up at them with reproach.

_ And you're going to be in for a lot of trouble when the Nein get here _ Caduceus thought angrily back.

"Course we could have grabbed more of em if they didn't fight back so much," another thug complained. She walked into view, scowling at Caduceus. She was rubbing at her arm, which was covered in heavy burn marks, trademark of one of Caleb's spells. Caduceus unconsciously perked up at this, and the woman snapped her eyes towards his.

"Don't get your fucking hopes up," she hissed. "We dealt with them properly, didn't we Dedric?"

A smirk curled onto Dedric's lips, and Caduceus felt a small pool of terror curl like acid in his stomach.

"No one's coming for you, firbolg," they said with relish. "You'll make a nice profit for us, and then gods help you."

They were lying. Both of them, Caduceus promised himself, but the vow was seeped in doubt. The Nein hadn't dealt with slavers in a while, and if they were, in fact, a faction of the Iron Shepherds, out for blood, then….wasn't it possible? Couldn't Caduceus truly be the last survivor?

_ No,  _ _ no _ _ , you can't think that way. The Nein will come, and you will be free of this. _

"You don't believe us, do you?" the woman cooed. "Dedric, show him."

The other thug's smirk grew wider, and they actually laughed as they reached into their bag and pulled out a book.

Caleb's spellbook.

The two of them must have seen the way horror flooded into Caduceus' features, for the woman grinned. Fury, a kind he hadn't felt in a long time, built in his chest. How  _ dare _ they? How dare they take away something so precious to him, so wonderful as his family? For the first time his pain and cloudiness was forgotten in favor of pulling at his restraints, for these people were going to die at his own hands, and the Wildmother would watch with  _ pride. _

Instead, his source of magic felt empty, and Dedric moved forward and kicked him  _ hard _ in the chest. Caduceus doubled over in agony as he heard something inside him snap, and he gasped as he tried and failed to catch his breath, which rasped and choked underneath him.

"Shut up," Dedric demanded. "You'll get what's coming to you, just like your shitty friends."

Caduceus' headache was back again, his whole body aching in pain, and he shut his eyes tightly, now oblivious to the rest of the world, and all he could focus on was the sight of Caleb's spellbook in the hands of these monsters. Forcibly taken. Ripped away from his friend.

_He put up a fight, though_ he thought as he remembered the woman's scorched arm. _Isn't that what matters?_ _In the end, they all did._

He forced down the grief welling up inside him and tried to will himself to stay logical. To stay focused. He wished for nothing more than to commune with the Wildmother, but it wasn't an option. All he could see in the future was the dirty claws of the Iron Shepherds, grabbing him, dragging him into those dark dungeon cells where he had first met Jester and Fjord.

Was this what his destiny was? He felt...cheated.

Time passed, and his captors seemed content with leaving him alone. He wasn't entirely sure if that was a good thing. His cracked rib was burning in his chest with every breath, and though it had gotten better enough for him to see straight, his head still made him nauseous. He needed the Nein. Needed Jester to heal him, needed Caleb to burn these thugs away so that he would be free. But they weren't coming. None of them were.

He slipped into uneasy sleep choking down tears.

When he awoke, the earth was on fire.

There were sounds of fighting from far away, and he couldn't see, the heat of the flames was too bright. He struggled against his bonds but shifting his body just caused his broken rib to splinter more from his position, and he stopped moving, curling in on himself, content to just lie there, for it was probably better to be consumed by the flames than sold forever into torture and slavery. At least this way he could die with earth and dirt underneath him.

"Where is he?" A voice snapped through the chaos. "I can't see him!"

It was gruff, that voice. Once tinged with a drawl, now more refined. But it couldn't be, because that man was dead.

"Jester, watch -!"

A cry of pain, then a brightened "I got this! You go!"

It couldn't be them.

Caduceus chanced opening his eyes, just barely, his vision still clouded against the flames around him. Someone was running around, a tall shadow outlined by orange light.

_ I'm here _ ! Caduceus wanted so desperately to shout, for even if this wasn't who he prayed it was, it still looked like a ticket to salvation.  _ I'm here _ !

But nothing escaped his mouth aside from muffled whines, and now his broken rib was screaming at him in protest and he closed his eyes again, hoping,  _ praying. _

_ Oh Wildmother,  _ he thought fervently.  _ Please let this be my family. Please let them find me. _

No sooner was his prayer over that he felt sudden hands grasping his shoulders. He instinctively flinched, disturbing his rib, and he hissed in pain.

"I'm sorry!"

Caduceus peered up at his saviour and found green skin, two small tusks, and yellow concerned eyes blinking down at him.

"Caduceus, you need to stay still while I…"

Fjord was clawing at the chains.

" _ Damnit _ , I can't - Nott?! Nott, are you -?"

He looked around and sighed in frustration, before looking back down at Caduceus. His face softened as he gently removed the gag, and Caduceus took in a gasp of fresh air.

"Can you stand?" Fjord asked.

"I - I don't know," Caduceus answered honestly. He was still recovering from the sight of his friend, alive and well. "My - my rib is broken."

Fjord nodded and threw an arm around Caduceus' chest.

"We'll be careful. But we need to get out of here, okay?"

Caduceus nodded. Together they both managed to get him to his feet, which felt wobbly underneath him. He leaned heavily on Fjord's shoulders.

"Caleb," he gasped as they started walking, for suddenly the spellbook was all he could think about. "Caleb, where - is he -?"

"Look around you. Man loves his fire."

Ah. That would explain the flames. The realization that his friend was fine, that Fjord was here, that Jester and Nott and...and everyone. That they were all safe.

"Thought...thought I'd lost you," he managed. The sounds of battle up ahead were getting quieter. "All of you."

Fjord's hand tightened around Caduceus' chest.

"Yeah, well. We weren't gonna let those bastards keep you any longer."

Caduceus found himself at a loss for words. He merely stumbled forward with his friend.

By the time they reached the thicket of fighting, the battle was over. Nott was poking at a recently sliced open corpse, Yasha was panting hard nearby as she came down from her rage. Caleb was standing on the edge of the encampment, hand raised as he slowly lowered the intensity of the flames around them to a small smoulder. Beau grinned as she saw Caduceus, and Jester bounded over, her spiritual lollipop vanishing from the air as she zeroed in on Caduceus. Fjord called Nott over to work on his chains while Jester examined his injuries.

"Oh, Caduceus, they hit your head…" Jester frowned. He blinked back at her. Right now, surrounded by friends and freedom again, all his hurt was forgotten.

"I - you all are okay." It came out as almost a sob, and he cleared his throat before the emotion could overflow, but Fjord noticed.

"Of course we are. Did...did you think we weren't?"

"A-ha!" Caleb exclaimed triumphantly as he knelt beside a corpse -  _ Dedric  _ \- and produced the missing spellbook. " _ Bastard _ . This is  _ mine _ ."

Caduceus almost laughed at how stupid he had been.

"I...I genuinely don't know," he answered.

With a click he was free of his chains, Nott throwing them away in disgust, and he felt a tingle of soft magic form around his head, gently squeezing away the ache and dizziness that the wound had left there. Jester kept examining him as Fjord kept a stabilizing hand on his shoulder.

"Oh, those  _ assholes _ !" Jester cursed as she found the broken rib. She pressed a hand to it gingerly and Caduceus let out an involuntary gasp before divine magic was flowing through his chest, knitting the bone back together. Jester straightened up and smiled, before wrapping her arms around him in a big hug.

"We thought we'd never see you again!" she cried. "When they took you like they took  _ us _ , it was  _ horrible _ !"

It was only now that Caduceus noticed that the rest of his friends looked severely disheveled. Nott had blood running through her hairline, and Beau had sustained numerous cuts on her arms. Even Caleb was walking with a limp as he approached the firbolg and his companions, holding his spellbook aloft.

"I have work to do," Caduceus said, immediately flexing his fingers and taking a hesitant step forward.

Caleb was the one who caught him this time as his legs gave out from under him.

"Easy there, my friend," he said, gently helping him back up. "You need to rest."

"But... you're hurt. All of you. I have to -"

"We will be fine. We did not come this far and sacrificed our own blood just so you can collapse out of exhaustion at our feet."

Inexplicably, a smile appeared on Caduceus' face.

"I cannot let you suffer at -"

"My friend, I believe you yourself have suffered more than any of us.  _ Rest _ ."

"Yeah, Caduceus, I'll heal them!" Jester reassured him. "You need to lie down."

"Where?"

"Far from here," Caleb told him sternly. "Come on, I will make us a circle."

Fjord and Caleb guided a still wobbly Caduceus to a spot away from the carnage and Caleb found a spot to begin sketching a teleportation circle out with chalk. Caduceus kept an eye on the spellbook, now tucked faithfully by the wizard's side.

Fjord settled down next to him.

"You alright?" he asked. "You seem kinda quiet."

Caduceus let out a small laugh.

"It's not every day you are captured for slavery and sold against your will."

Fjord shrugged.

"Eh, happened to me once, can't be that uncommon."

The two of them shared a smile, but Caduceus looked away.

"Thank you," he said after a few moments in silence. "For...for coming after me. For saving me."

Fjord peered at him sideways.

"You didn't think we would, did you?" he asked softly.

"I...I had my doubts. But only because of that spellbook."

He pointed to Caleb, who was busy with his drawing.

"I suppose a wise man can be fooled and swayed by the most ordinary things, once in a while."

Fjord placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Caduceus, I hope you know that we'll always come for you. We're family."

Caleb finished the drawing and beckoned the rest of the group over.

"Time to go," he said, and offered a hand to Caduceus, who turned back to Fjord.

"I...I know."

He hated himself for the soft tremor in his voice. The doubt that had crept into his stomach, that maybe one day he would wake up and he would be alone once more.

He stepped into the circle with ice in his veins.

******

They found themselves at an inn only a few paces from where the circle had led them, and Caduceus realized for the first time how truly exhausted he was as his head hit the soft pillow and sleep took him in full.

His dreams were not kind to him.

He was walking through a battlefield, the quiet after the storm of blood and heat and fire palpable in his ears. There were corpses everywhere, surrounding him, and he had to heal his friends, but he couldn't find them. And then he could, because they were dead too, lying in their broken and mangled bodies on the ground, eyes lifeless. And as he reached his hands towards them, trying to make them better, they sank into the earth.

_ Do not cry, my child _ . The voice of the Wildmother echoed around him. He saw fungus and lichen grow up around him and found himself back in his graveyard, surrounded by death, but this was unnatural, false, it wasn't supposed to happen like this.

_ The earth will remember them _ .

But he didn't  _ want _ it to.

He woke up gasping, clutching at the sheets around him, taking in the unfamiliar scents of the inn around him. Fjord was asleep next to him, snoring at the ceiling, and dawn was just beginning to creep into the windows.

"Caduceus?"

He started slightly at the voice from the bedroom door. Nott was there, peeking inside with wide eyes.

"Nott," Caduceus acknowledged. "What are you doing here?"

She looked guilty as she stepped quietly into the room and over towards his bed.

"I, um...I heard you dreaming. I thought at first it was Caleb so I woke up but...it was you."

Caduceus softened and moved over on the bed to accommodate for the goblin to climb up. She did so eagerly and took a seat close to his hip. She played with her fingers as she kicked her legs.

"Caleb doesn't always talk about his nightmares," Nott explained. "Most of the time I just stay by him as comfort, y'know? So if you don't wanna talk about it...I mostly wanted to make sure you were okay."

Caduceus smiled down at her.

"I don't see why I wouldn't say." He hummed and leaned back against the wall behind him. "I dreamed you were all dying. Had died, I suppose."

Nott nodded patiently.

"And the Wildmother told me that it was...natural." He bit his lip as he drew in a sharp breath, trying to ground himself in Nott's scent - acidic tang, wood polish, a strong draft of Caleb's coat. "I don't want any of you to die. To be gone. But when I was with those slavers, I thought you were. And I had almost made my peace with that. I supposed I feel...ashamed."

Nott grabbed his hand, her tiny fingers dwarfed by his large palm.

"I thought about Caleb dying a lot, back when we first started," she admitted. "Whenever he stuck his head too close to danger, I would be terrified. And yet, the way we were living, it was almost a given that we might die."

She shrugged.

"We always talked of funerals. If one of us went away and didn't come back…"

Caduceus winced. He wasn't aware that particular tradition had existed before the Nein.

"I think it's natural, sure," Nott said quietly. "But in all that talk I never knew what I would do with myself if it actually came true."

She smiled up at Caduceus.

"You shouldn't feel ashamed that you thought we were dead. Those assholes tricked you."

"But I gave up too quickly."

Nott shook her head.

"I panic the moment Caleb is out of my sight for more than five seconds. And that's on good days. You know what that tells me about you, Caduceus?"

He tilted his head.

"It means you care about us a lot. And that you think that you need to take care of us. And 'Deucey, I love ya, but sometimes  _ we _ need to take care of  _ you _ ."

Caduceus laughed.

"I suppose that's true."

Fjord stirred on his bed, lifting his head slightly to peer over at the two of them.

"This become a slumber party or somethin'?" he groaned.

There was a knock at the door. Beau opened it, yawning.

"Breakfast is downstairs, if you want it."

Fjord shoved away the sheets and stretched while Nott hopped down, still holding Caduceus' hand.

"Let's make today a care-for-your-firbolg day, shall we?"

Beau snorted at Caduceus' bemused expression. She punched his shoulder playfully.

"Feeling better?"

"I'm alright."

"That's good. I'll be downstairs."

She turned and left.

Breakfast was delightful, as Jester had tipped the cook into giving them extra pastries. Caduceus made them some morning brew tea and they settled in.

"What's on the table today, huh Caleb?" Beau asked.

The wizard shrugged.

"We have some down time. There's a nice bookshop in town here, I was planning on -"

Beau waved him off.

Yasha arrived late to breakfast but took a seat next to Caduceus. While she munched on an orange, she considered him.

"Caduceus," she began, running a finger through some of his hair. "Your hair is filthy."

Beau snorted at the brazenness of the comment, but Caduceus simply observed her picking through some of the strands. It was, in fact, very matted and tangled.

"A result of not having a chance to wash it since...well." He felt it himself, and it was truly awful.

"New plan," Yasha announced, smiling widely. "We're cleaning you up."

Caduceus had no protest to this idea.

"There's a bathhouse in town," Beau offered.

"Good. Will you come with us?" Yasha asked. "I think we could all use a little -"

Beau straightened up, eager, and Caduceus smiled - he had a feeling the monk would very much enjoy seeing Yasha in a bathhouse. Besides, he genuinely would enjoy the company.

"Enjoy your boring books, Caleb!" Beau called over to the wizard as the three of them meandered out of the inn.

******

The bathhouse wasn’t fancy by any means - merely a means to and end in terms of public bathing, but it still carried a few luxuries. One of those was a collection of private bathing rooms built for smaller parties, which Beau paid gladly for in favor of avoiding the crowds. An attendant also provided them with hot towels and a teapot in which Caduceus prepared some calming drinks for all of them as they settled in.

Beau practically cannonballed into the bath, laughing as the water splashes soaked into Caduceus’ fur. He smiled warmly and slipped in across from her. He kept his eyes on Beau as Yasha stripped down, and chuckled softly at her growing blush.

“Caduceus, will you let me clean your hair?” Yasha asked once they were all situated.

“Of course,” he said, turning in such a way that she could reach it. She moved to sit behind him and started running water through it as Beau called for shampoo.

“It’s really horrible, what they did to you,” Yasha observed once the attendant arrived with the lotion. She rubbed some into his scalp, and the sensation of her fingernails gently tickling his scalp made Caduceus sigh in contentment. “Stealing you away like that, locking you in chains.”

“We got to him, didn’t we?” Beau commented.

Caduceus laughed half-heartedly and shook his head.

“I...I’m not entirely sure what I would have done, if you all hadn’t come for me,” he admitted. He let Yasha dip his head to the water’s edge to rinse the shampoo out of his hair and closed his eyes as some runaway water trickled down his face.

“We’ll always come,” Yasha said, concerned. “No matter where you are.”

“Yeah, man,  _ fuck _ those guys,” Beau added, leaning back against the bath basin’s ridge. She stared at Caduceus with hard eyes. “Whoever fucks with you fucks with _ us _ . You’re our friend.”

Yasha had righted him and was busy brushing out the tangles in his hair with her surprisingly dextrous fingers.

“I...I apologize,” Caduceus said quietly.

“What the fuck for?” Beau snapped, concerned.

“For ever doubting that you’d be there for me. For accepting defeat.”

Beau shook her head firmly and assuredly as she leaned forward and grabbed his arm.

“Cad, you spend  _ so _ much time and energy and power and what have you caring for us, protecting us. Gods know we need it, especially when Jester’s not around.”

“Or unavailable,” Yasha added casually, with a hint of a grin.

Beau rolled her eyes.

“Point is,” she affirmed. “You should never feel sorry for needing help. For being afraid. For us or for yourself, doesn’t matter.”

“We will always protect you just as much as you protect us, Caduceus,” Yasha said, tugging gently at a particular stubborn tangle.

Caduceus felt overwhelmed. He smiled down at the water below him, focusing on the calming feeling of Yasha’s fingers in his hair, of Beau’s grip on his arm, digging slightly into his fur. He was full of love, and appreciation, and a tenderness he didn’t remember having before now.

“I - ” He tried to sum up all of his feelings into words, and found them lacking.

“Thank you,” he finally settled for.

Beau nodded and leaned back again. Yasha hummed, and Caduceus realized she was beginning to braid his hair.

“Beau,” Yasha remarked, her eyes focused on her task. “Can you check my bag?”

She nodded towards the purse sitting by the bath. Beau moved over to it and started to dig through.

“I brought something I think we all might like.”

Beau withdrew a small vial of some dark purple liquid. She barked out a laugh.

“Oh,  _ Yasha _ !”

“What is it?” Caduceus asked, confused.

Beau raised the vial and beamed.

“It’s  _ nail _ polish,” she said, laughing in amusement. “Yasha, I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve never used this shit in my life.”

“And why not?”

“Nail paint tends to get chipped when all you’re doing is punching things.”

“Ah. Come on, just this once.”

Beau was still smiling as she unscrewed the lid of the vial. She tested a small portion of it on her fingernail, then frowned.

“Caduceus, do you care if I absolutely butcher your nails?”

“Not at all,” he smiled, extending his hand.

He relaxed as Yasha continued her work and Beau lifted one of his hands. It was large compared to the monk’s, with fingers that rested awkwardly in hers, but he didn’t mind it as she delicately (to the best of her abilities) stroked the nail brush across his admittedly slightly dirty nails.

This was nice. This was  _ so _ nice. Being surrounded by friends, friends he could rely on, friends who would save him if he was in danger. Friends who would take care of him, no matter what.

It was such a nice feeling, being loved.

Beau finished before Yasha did, and Caduceus raised his hand to his face to observe her job. The polish was messily applied, covering as much skin as nail, and some of it had gotten caught in his fur, but the color was a rich dark purple that matched his coat, and he loved it all the same.

“There we go,” Yasha announced, patting his head awkwardly. He raised his newly painted fingers to his head and found intricately woven braids, the weaves running flush along his temple before cascading down into the flowing water.

“Hopefully these last longer this time,” he said, smiling.

“Oh, trust us,” Beau said, standing and grabbing a towel. “They will.”

It was a threat not against his hair, but against anyone who would dare mess with it, and for that, Caduceus was grateful. He reached out his hand and gently grabbed Beau’s arm as she made to leave.

“Stay,” he urged her. “Please? I still have more tea.”

Beau looked down at him, then glanced up at Yasha, who shrugged. The monk sank back into the water and sighed.

“This isn’t so bad.”

“Yeah, I like doing this,” Yasha said, picking up a strand of Caduceus’ hair and letting it fall again. “Maybe next time I can convince Caleb to get cleaned up too.”

Beau cackled.

“Good fucking luck.”

Caduceus closed his eyes and sank back, almost submerging himself and letting his head float gracefully above the water. He let Yasha and Beau’s conversation fade out from his perception in favor of enjoying just this, the here and now.

It certainly was something nice.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm all-made-of-stardust on Tumblr!


End file.
